Back!

I know it's been a while since my last blog entry, but I'm back and hopefully I'll update this blog a little more often.

First of all, the reason for my absence. During the second week of March we got a phone call from my grandfather in Japan saying his wife, my mother's mother, was dying. She'd had cancer for a while but wanted to keep it from the family so as not to worry us all, but as the doctor told her she had only a few weeks left she decided she wanted to give the family a chance to say goodbye.

Before anyone posts any commiserating replies, until March I'd met my grandmother only a couple of times and both times were back when I was too young to really remember. I don't feel sad at all, because we all flew over to Japan and I got to spend three and a half weeks getting to know her before she passed. Yes, it's sad she died, but she was eighty-eight, she had six children (three adopted, one fostered), eleven grandchildren, three great-grandchildren, a long and happy career as a teacher and, most important of all, she died without any regrets.

She had a devilish sense of humour and in spite of the pain she was in at the end she had a smile on her face whenever I saw her. It was an honour to get the chance to meet her before she died, and to know her a little bit, and in accordance with her wishes the family is celebrating her life rather than mourning her death.

While I had Internet access in Japan, I spent much of the time getting to know my grandmother and other members of my family, some of whom I've never met before. I've discovered that my extended family is absolutely wonderful. I have two cousins who are gay (well, one cousin is bisexual but she has only ever had relationships with other girls, and one cousin...actually, the son of my cousin, who has just come out to his parents at the tender age of twelve) and the whole family is accepting...with the exception of my grandfather who refused to even acknowledge his gay grandchildren. Can't please everyone.

Anyway, we got back to the UK in April and I came back with a resolve to fix some of the problems in my life. First thing I did was cut all ties with a forum I've mentioned in my blog before. There are some great people on there and I've made a couple of good friends, but the atmosphere on there is toxic and I felt better the moment I was done with the place. I changed my email address and then typed a random stream of letters into a Word document and pasted it in as my new password, so even if I wanted to go back there I could only do so by creating a new account, and that's far more hassle than it's worth.

The next thing I did was consider my education prospects. As I mentioned before, I was forced to drop out of college earlier this year because my teachers didn't think I had caught up enough to sit the exams, and I've decided once and for all I'm not going back there. I'm leaving some fantastic friends behind, but also some bad memories. I can stay in touch with friends without inflicting those memories on myself.

Dylan has decided to stay on at college for another year, get a couple more AS Levels under his belt, and so I'm moving down to live with him and his family in August. I'll be going to college with him and then we'll head off to University together a year later than planned. I know it would be better for him to go when he had planned, which would be a year before me, but I've tried talking him out of it and he's determined he's going to wait for me, and honestly I can't say I'm sorry about that. We've spent more than enough time apart and it's not like he's going to be sitting around doing nothing for a year.

Finally, I'm back in counselling and it really seems to be helping. I'm feeling happier than I have in a long time and though I feel like I could now do without the counselling I'm going to keep going until I move down south, and then maybe find a new therapist. To put it in my brother's delightful words, seeing a therapist is like carrying a condom around in your wallet - you may not always need it, but it's better to have it there in case you do. He's such a charmer, I wonder why he's still single.

So, I'm back and after spending some time getting my life together I'm blogging again. Sorry if my absence worried anyone - I just needed the time to get back on track.

Oh, and while I was away a poem I wrote was published in an anthology. I wrote it as a sort of meditative mantra last year, but it seemed to fit the theme of the anthology so I submitted it and they accepted it. It seems to have had some fairly positive reviews, even if one of the reviewers thought I might have been another author on there writing under a pen name. I suppose I should be offended, but the author he thought I was is one of my favourites so for him to even suggest my work might be on par with that author's is flattering. Anyway, take a look if you're interested, and if not take a look anyway - the design they came up with for this anthology is breathtaking! The poem's here: http://anthologies.authorshaunt.com/2011/ocean/atpeace.php

Head Spinning

After what happened in July I started seeing a counsellor to try and deal with the experience. Then I found out I was sick and dealing with that became my biggest priority. I didn't really have time to think about anything else, or perhaps I pushed it out of my mind. When I was told I was in remission, and after spending all that time in hospital afterwards, I came home and felt so happy to be alive I just wanted to get on with my life.

For three weeks I managed it, and then yesterday I saw a post on a forum I visit about a guy who was raped at a party after someone slipped something into his drink. It didn't really affect me. I felt sympathy for him, of course, but I didn't relate his experience to my own until I posted in a related thread and started talking about it. I know it's stupid seven months on to be whining about this again, but talking about it got me thinking about it and now it's all I can think about.

I just want to be happy, to forget about the past year and move on, but just when I thought I was in a position to do that I remind myself and it hurts just as much as it did the day it happened. I've told my Mum I want to start seeing the counsellor again and I'm determined to do everything I can to keep my mind off it until I can, but I feel like there's something bubbling up inside me and it scares the shit out of me.

Anyway, just wanted to vent. It's a fairly pathetic vent as vents go, but all I've got energy for at the moment.

News...At Last

Hi guys,

Sorry for worrying everyone - especially you, Jay. I've seen the messages you posted and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post.

December and January were especially cold here, so I stayed tucked up in bed most of the time and, in the middle of January, went back to the hospital for new regarding my treatment. The news was good. In fact, it was brilliant. I'm in remission. :D

With any type of cancer there is a chance of relapse, so the doctors say it will be five years before I can completely relax, but it's looking good so far.

And now for the bad news. I was feeling a little sick after I returned from the hospital and three days later I was back. One of the nastier parts of the treatment is that it basically destroyed my immune system, and it turned out I managed to catch a bug that developed into full blown pneumonia. I think it's probably one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I felt like I was drowning and for a while it didn't look good, but I beat it and four weeks on I'm home again and I've been told I can go back to school in March.

More bad news there, unfortunately. Because I've missed so much there's a good chance I'm going to have to repeat this year. I've been given a chance to catch up and hopefully I'll be able to do it, but if I can't I'll have to start again. I can live with that. It's a small price to pay for being alive, just a little irritating if it happens.

In other news - Dylan is great and hopefully he'll be coming to stay this Easter and again over the summer. He wasn't able to be with me while I was in hospital, not the whole time, but when things turned bad he was there and didn't leave my side. I didn't really get to talk to him because he went home again when I started getting better, but we had a long talk last night - which is why I'm only posting now. We were up talking until he had to leave for school, poor guy, and I got to sleep all morning and for most of the afternoon.

I also had a story published online when I was in hospital! The story was published as part of an anthology at a site called The Authors Haunt. It's only 500 words long, but then that was the word limit for the anthology. I published the story under the name Nakamura Ryosuke. Nakamura is my mother's family name, and Ryosuke is the name my grandmother insists on calling me even though my name is actually Ryo because she thinks it sounds more distinguished. I originally came up with the name when I started writing (terrible, terrible stories) because I didn't want to use my real name as I wasn't out at the time, and submitted it under that name without really thinking about it. Dylan suggested I use my real name as there's no need for a pen name now, but I didn't get a chance to change it before I was taken into hospital, so Nakamura Ryosuke it is.

For anyone interested, you can read the story here - http://anthologies.authorshaunt.com/2011/cold/window.php. I have to say, I love the design the site's owner, Rob, came up with for the anthology, and so far the reviews I've received on the site have been pretty positive. The story is a bit dark and depressing, but I'm proud to see my name up there with some other fantastic authors.

And finally, my hair has started to grow back. It's a little patchy in places, but the doctors say it will thicken up and in about six months I should have my old hair back. In the meantime I'm keeping it hidden under a hat. I HATE short hair, but I guess it's better than no hair.

That's all for now. I'll post again in a few days once I've had a chance to relax an get used to being back home.

Update

As Jay requested another blog post, I thought I'd post a quick update about how things are going. Unfortunately, because my brain is frazzled at the moment the only title I could think of for this entry is "Update". Unoriginal, I know, but it'll do.

So, the short version. Health - the treatment is going well. I've been prescribed a drug called Maxolon to help with the nausea and it's really working. Still bald, still tired, but feeling a lot better overall.

Dylan - things really couldn't be better. He came for a quick visit this past weekend and he was really sweet the whole time he was here, though I did have to fight him every time I tried to get out of bed. He insisted on doing everything for me, but as much as I appreciate the sentiment (and I apologise for the crudeness) my bowels and bladder cannot move through him. Besides, when I'm feeling well enough to walk around I do like to get out of bed. It was nice having him here, though, even if it felt like I had two mothers the entire weekend.

School - I'm managing to keep up with the work, even though I can't attend at the moment. For those who don't know about the many lovely effects of chemotherapy, your immune system is pretty much fucked for a while so I have to stay home to avoid catching the many winter colds that are already going around. I have a friend bring me copies of his notes once a week and my brother has taken my assignments into school for me, so hopefully I'll manage to get through this without having to write off the year and repeat. I know it would probably be best if I concentrated on my health, but the work keeps my mind busy and stops me from dwelling on this too much.

Only other real bit of news here is that we've had our first snow of the winter. It was only on the mountains and not on the ground, but it was very pretty to see. Unfortunately the roads were too icy for my father to come home this weekend, so I didn't get to see the old fart, but he called every night and called on Sunday afternoon just to talk to me, which was nice. He may be an old misery at times, but he's not bad as father's go. Just don't tell him I said so.

Oh and my sister called yesterday to tell my Mum she's pregnant. I should explain here as she's not actually my sister by blood. She's the daughter of one of my mother's closest friends. When she was fifteen her parents were killed in a car accident and my mother took her in. I was only five at the time (so back before I even knew Dylan...sometimes I don't believe such a time existed), and she left home when we moved to Scotland, but even though she was only with us for three years I've always called her my sister. Even if she calls me "the brat" (affectionately, most of the time). Anyway, she got married a couple of years ago and after a year of trying she's finally pregnant, so sometime in May next year I'll have a new niece or nephew. Just wish she lived closer so I could see her more often.

Anyway, that's it for now. I have to go get my dose of poison in a couple of hours so I'm going to distract myself by doing some writing for a bit.

Soap Opera Anyone?

Life can be strange sometimes. I've gone most of my life (ok, so it's only sixteen years and ten months) without any real drama. Due to my father's job my family moved around a lot when I was younger, but that's hardly dramatic. I remember once when I was nine my father moved out of the house for a day after having a bad argument with my mother, but that's hardly dramatic. Even when I came out it wasn't exactly dramatic - I told my best friend I was gay and in love with him, he told me he was gay and felt the same way. We told my parents and though there were a lot of questions and conversations there were no raised voices or tears. We told his parents we were gay and they shouted...for about ten minutes before calming down and realising they were being stupid.

If my life up to July of this year had been a soap opera, people would have gotten bored of watching long ago. And that's just how I like it.

Then July happened. Don't want to talk about it again, but I think it set something off. After July I had the drama of August, locked away in my house, my boyfriend trying to coax me out of my depression, finishing the month by proposing to me. Then there was September. We had the drama of telling our parents we were engaged (my mother knew before Dylan asked, but my father and his parents didn't know until after). That prompted long lectures from them about rushing into things and waiting until we're older, and long lectures from us about how we're not planning on getting married until we've graduated from University at the earliest.

Then we had drama from my brother. In the middle of September he sat us all down and told us that a girl he had never dated, never had sex with, never really said more than a couple of words to, was claiming that she was pregnant and he was the father. I know my brother can be an ass at times, but he is more responsible than I like to give him credit for, so if he did get a girl pregnant he'd do the right thing. He hasn't, though. He has had sex exactly once in his life - an admission that caused me great amusement - and that was back when he was fifteen.

To cut a long story short, the girl in question is somewhat lacking in sanity and wasn't even pregnant. She just wanted attention, so earlier this year she made up a story about a secret affair she was having with my brother, telling all her friends about it, and the lies escalated. She first told her best friend that she thought she might be pregnant, then said that she was pregnant, then said that he had accused her of cheating and denied being the father, then said that the stress caused her to have a miscarriage. She might have got away with it too, and ruined my brother's reputation, if her friends hadn't caught her in the lie.

Perhaps that's why I feel sympathetic towards someone I don't really like on a forum I go to. He's an arrogant, opinionated ass who thinks he's smarter than everyone else and has an aggressive style of debate that verges on bullying. Some of his views are racist, many of them are ignorant (like claiming that rape victims are complicit in their attack by putting themselves in a situation where they can be attacked, which of course didn't endear him to me). However, now he's being accused of being a pedophile, and the evidence for that allegation? He's told a few bad taste jokes and admitted that, at the age of twenty, he is attracted to older teens and has had sex with a sixteen year old.

It doesn't matter whether you think it is morally acceptable for a twenty year old man to have sex with a sixteen year old boy. It is legal where he lives and having an attraction to sixteen year olds does not make him a pedophile. You can call him misguided. You can call him morally bankrupt. You can call him sick. Those opinions are subjective and we are all entitled to believe whatever the hell we want. You cannot, however, accuse someone of being a pedophile, an accusation that can not only impact their current and future employment prospects, but which can also place them in very real physical danger from idiot vigilantes who see it as their moral duty to protect society.

Bullying of all kinds angers me, and while his behaviour at times has verged on bullying (the intellectual kind), this is outright, unashamed bullying that could have lasting consequences. It's sickening.

Went off on a little tangent there, but after seeing my brother go through something similar it's hard not to feel sympathy for the guy, no matter how I feel about him.

So, back to the drama. End of September comes around and I'm feeling drained. Hardly unexpected given all that's been going on, but my mother decided to have a good flap about it and ended up sending me to the doctor to get checked out. I thought maybe I might need anti-depressants or something, but he did a blood test, then sent me to the hospital for some more tests, and then delivered the good news. Turns out I have a minor case of cancer. And I do mean that it's a minor case. It's been caught in the early stages and according to my doctor it's one of the better kind of cancers to get as the chances of survival are high even if it hadn't been caught so early. I'm sure as shit not dying anyway. But I have started chemo and so the past week has been spent feeling even more exhausted, with the added bonus of vomiting. Couldn't deal with the hair loss so I shaved my head (with my brother's help), and now realise just how much warmth my hair provided.

I really can't catch a break at the moment! I've got another month of treatment, and then I expect I'll be given the all clear and can hopefully resume a quiet, drama-free life. Seriously - I know there are people who thrive on drama - you can't spend any real length of time on the Internet without encountering them - but I'm not one of them. I'm not saying I want my life to be boring, but a little less interesting would suit me just fine.

Empowering

I'm not sure whether I should be proud of myself today, but I am anyway.

I went back to school yesterday, though I only stayed for one lesson because after that class I saw Derek and Matt - two of the boys who attacked me - in the corridor and freaked out, so my brother came and took me home. Today I went back and stayed for all the classes I had, even though I saw them again. I felt strong for managing to stick it out, but after my last class something happened that could easily have sent me running back home and away from the school forever.

I was heading towards the Library to collect a couple of books I need for an assignment when I bumped into Matt and Kevin (Kevin being the third boy who attacked me). I wanted to turn and run, but they were in my face before I could react and the next thing I knew they were pulling me towards the toilets.

I don't know exactly what they intended to do, but they said something about "teaching me a lesson" for going to the police and Matt tried to force me into one of the cubicles, so I hit him. Hard.

I've never hit anyone before in my life, and my hand is still throbbing, but he went down and there was blood so I guess I did a bit of damage. I ran out of there and Kevin didn't even try to stop me, so I went straight to the head teacher's office and told her what happened.

There's going to be an investigation and I might be in a bit of trouble for hitting him, but I doubt it will be as much trouble as they'll be in if they admit that I hit him. They're not supposed to come near me at school, so unless they try to claim I went looking for them, which I doubt anyone will believe, they might be looking at suspension. Hopefully the school will regard my actions as self-defence, but at this point I don't care. I fought back and got away from them, and that's really all that matters to me.

Been a while...

OK, so it hasn't been all that long since my last blog post, but I promised myself when I created this blog that I would updated it at least twice a week, so bad me. Now the self-scolding is over, only the update...

Dylan has gone back home and I miss him so much, but we had a great time when he was here. We didn't go out much. In fact, it was only in the last couple of days he was here that he managed to coax me out of the house, but we'll come to that later. We talked more in the past few weeks than I think we did in the entire time we were best friends. There were some days where we just stayed in bed for most of the day talking about life, about what happened, about nothing in particular. I feel like I know him better now than I ever have, and I love everything I've seen and heard.

We didn't have sex while he was here. I wanted to try it during the last week of his visit, but he told me he wanted to wait until he was sure I was ready, and as I couldn't honestly tell him I was ready we just kissed and cuddled. There's a part of me that regrets not having sex with him before he left. I know it sounds stupid, but our first time was for all the wrong reasons and while I might not have enjoyed our second time it would have been for the right reasons - because I love him and I know he loves me.

He did have a surprise for me before he left, though. During the last weekend of his visit he went out with my mother for a few hours, supposedly to help her with the shopping at the supermarket. They came back with the shopping so I didn't think much of it, but he'd bought a little something else too. Now, for those of you who don't know my history with Dylan, we were best friends for years, but last summer his family decided to move down south and I was faced with losing not only my best friend, but the guy I'd been in love with for years. So two days before he was due to move I took him down to the river behind my house and came out to him, told him how I felt, and he told me he felt the same way. We've been together ever since, even though we live so far apart and barely see each other.

Anyway, two days before he was due to go home after this visit, he convinced me to leave the house for the first time in nearly a month and go with him to the river for an hour or so. He told me that he couldn't leave knowing I was afraid to go outside and convinced me that it would be better to leave the house while he was with me, and of course he was right. We sat by the river for about an hour just talking, and then I decided I wanted to go back to the house, but as I got up to go he caught my wrist, fumbled with something in his pocket, and produced this little box.

If you think you know where this is going, you're right. On the day he went out with my mother, they went to a jewellery store in town and he bought a pair of rings - silver with a black band through the middle. And two days before he was due to go home he proposed! :D

Of course I said yes.

Now, I know we're only sixteen, and we're not stupid. We're not planning on getting married (or what passes for marriage for same sex couples in this country) right away. We both want to go to University, so our plan is to see each other as much as we can over the next two years, study hard so we can both get into Edinburgh, live together while we're at Uni, and talk about setting a date after we've been living together for at least a year. It's likely that date won't be until we've both graduated.

Even though marriage is a long way off, Dylan felt that we couldn't be apart for another two years without making some kind of commitment beyond the one we already had, and every time I see the ring on my finger I know that he's mine and will always be there for me. Maybe we're just being stupid kids for doing something like this now, but it's the kind of stupidity I'm happy to live with. He's mine and nobody else gets to have him. :P

It was sad when he had to leave, and I cried a lot when I got home afterwards, but I've spoken to him every night, seen him on webcam every night, and we plan to talk every day until he can come back here, hopefully over Christmas if not sooner.

In other news, I'm supposed to be back at school now, but on the day I was due to return I discovered a slight problem. I'm studying four subjects this year, and two of the boys who attacked me are also taking one of those subjects, and the third boy is taking another subject with me, so in half my classes I'd have to see at least one of them. When I found that out I decided I couldn't go back to school, had a tiny bit of a meltdown and locked myself in my room. I mean, it's bad enough that I would have to be in the same building as them, but in the same classroom?

Anyway, my parents went to the school and talked to the head teacher. She isn't going to make the boys change courses, and I can understand that. They were cautioned for assault, but not arrested for rape, so while she's sympathetic there's not all that much she can do. Unfortunately, because of the way courses are structured she also wasn't sure she could allow me to change courses too. However, after much discussion she has agreed to allow me to switch to new courses starting Monday.

I'm still going to be studying Art and English, but now instead of History and Maths I'm going to be doing French and Geography. I'll still have to see those bastards from time to time, but I won't be in the same classroom as them when I'm studying. She has also said that she's spoken to the boys and warned them to stay away from me at school, and out of school, apparently telling them that if they lay a finger on me again they'll be expelled. I'm sure some of it is just talk, but it's nice to know that she's on my side.

And she is. She's not exactly known for being a warm, caring person, but when she saw me yesterday afternoon she gave me a big hug and told me that she would do her best to help me over the next two years.

I should also say that after I came out a year ago, she called me into her office as soon as she heard the news. I thought I was going to be in trouble. The only times I'd been in that office in the past had been when I'd dyed my hair, and then she'd lectured me on my appearance, telling me some crap about the image I'm projecting and stuff like that. Anyway, when she called me into her office that day it was to tell me that she was concerned about my decision to come out while I was at school - not because she had a problem with my sexuality or thought that there was anything wrong with me coming out, but because she knew that there would be idiots who would give me crap because of it. She told me at the time that if anyone gave me any trouble I should go to her and tell her.

Of course, I didn't, but then a few snide comments, a bit of name calling and the occasional shove were hardly problems I felt I needed help with. If anyone had actually hit me in school, I would have gone to her. If anyone had actually threatened me in school, I would have gone to her. I didn't see the point in running to her every time someone was mean to me. Besides, I was used to it.

In addition to being gay, I'm also Asian. I'm Japanese living in a small town in Scotland where people barely even tan and attending a private school with several hundred pasty white kids. Snide comments, rude names and the occasional shove were hardly new to me, so when I came out it was really more of the same. The only thing that was different were the names they called me - and I quite like the term "gaysian". I know the people using it intended to be cruel, and it is the intention behind words rather than the words themselves that should be considered offensive, but there's something cute about the word. I'm a gaysian and proud of it. :D

I'm rambling off on a tangent now, so back to the point. The head teacher has put through the paperwork so I can change courses, and provided me with the reading material I'll need for all four of my subjects so I can catch up before I go back on Monday. She's also told the teaching staff at the school what happened to me and who was responsible, warning them to watch out for those boys and notify her if they see any trouble. I'm not sure I feel safe going back there, and I'm not entirely happy about it, but I'm not going to be beaten by pondscum.

So that's my news. Life is getting better, I'm now engaged, and I'm back to school on Monday. Oh, and I'm seeing a counsellor twice a week. Lots of stuff I should have blogged about, but so much going on I didn't have time.