Recently I've been thinking a lot about my life and everything that's happened over the past couple of weeks. I've tried not to, but the thoughts keep popping into my head and as soon as they do I can't seem to let them go. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.
There's this forum I go to. I've mentioned it before, but I won't post a link. I wouldn't want to inflict it on anyone. There are some good people there, but the majority are cruel and bitchy. So why do I go there?
I thought at first I was going there to try and distract myself. It's a busy place with lots going on, plenty to read, loads of active members, and it does provide a distraction, but there are plenty of other sites on the Net that could be just as distracting. Then I thought maybe I was posting there because the majority of the active members seem to hate, or at least dislike, me, and I figured that if I could win them over then maybe I could stop hating myself so much. And yet when I read some of the posts I've made, or even look at the signature I use there, I can see that I'm not trying to be liked.
So what the hell am I doing?
Maybe I'm just looking for confirmation in their replies that I'm right to feel this way about myself.
God! I sound like such a self-pitying idiot. Truth is, I don't feel sorry for myself. For the past week or so, I haven't felt much of anything at all. I just feel dead inside.
I've felt this way since the police told my mother that the boys who attacked me would be released with nothing more than a caution. I really thought that if I told the police what happened then something would be done, but I can't really blame them. It's not like I told them the whole story. I told them exactly what I wrote in this blog, exactly what I told my brother and my parents and my boyfriend. I've only got myself to blame, but how the fuck am I supposed to tell anyone the truth? I feel like throwing up when I even think about it. There's no way I could say it out loud.
I just want to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to kill myself or anything stupid like that. As much as it hurts every day I don't want to die. I just want to sleep until the pain goes away.
Hey Ryo, I am not anywhere near being a psychologist, but feel you will never put what those scumbags did to you behind you unless you can tell someone the truth about what happened. Yes, you will be scared, and yes, you might throw up but you have to get the truth out to someone. You should not have to carry the burden of the truth alone. It will tear you apart if you do nothing. If you don't want to talk about it face to face, there are sites online that you can use.
ReplyDeleteYou did absolutely nothing to provoke the attack so get that out of your mind forever.
Your self hatred issue will never go away by visiting websites and trying to get people to like you. The only thing that matters is that you like yourself. Once you figure out how to do that, others will like you too. You have a boyfriend who loves you for who you are, he must see something worthy of love inside you. I wish you could see it too.
Love and hugs, JR
Just kill yourself already you whiny little cunt!
ReplyDeleteIm a member of that forum your talking about and noone there hates you because you dont matter enough to be hated.
Your nothing so if your gonna kill yourself just fucking do it because noone will fucking care.
Ryo, please whatever you do. Do not listen to what this "HG" said.
ReplyDeleteYou should know there is adventure in simply being among those we love and the things we love, and beauty, too.
But I would suggest you talk to people that are willing to listen as it is better than putting up with the hatred that some people put upon others to satisfy themselves.
Your are a unique individual and you should know people love you for who you are, those are the people that matter in your life. Not the people like HG that try and put you down.
HG, You are one of the lowest forms of life I have ever run across. Hopefully this is the first time you have posted a comment without using your brain, but I seriously doubt it. No one in their right mind would ever tell someone to kill them self, oops there is that brain issue again. If you represent the majority of people on the site Ryo mentioned I can see why he might be depressed.
ReplyDeleteRyo already has people who care deeply about him. He needs to stay away from people like you who find joy in hitting people when they are down and stick with the ones who find him to be a smart, caring person.
Keep your chin up Ryo, you are a special person with a big heart. Love and hugs, JR
I've said it in my latest blog entry but I'll say it again now:
ReplyDeleteJ and PaulMoore12, thank you. I didn't think people actually took the time to read my blog, but you guys have and your comments have really helped. I've printed them off and will look at them whenever I need strength.
HG, when I first read you comment it cut deep, but the more I read it the more I see what a truly pitiful creature you are. I would like to thank you, though. I may hate myself at the moment, but I would never respond to a person in pain the way you did. That gives me at least one thing I can like about myself.