48 Hours

A lot has changed in the past forty-eight hours. I'm not saying that I'm smiling and happy and back to my old self again, but when I woke up this morning (well, actually this evening as my sleep pattern is so screwed up I slept until 9pm this evening) I didn't immediately want to go straight back to sleep. I'm not saying I exactly wanted to get out of bed and face the world, but the desire to hide away wasn't as strong as it has been.

Before I say anymore, I want to thank J and PaulMoore12 for the comments they made on my last blog entry. You guys really helped me a lot. I still haven't told anyone what really happened, not in real life, but I posted about it on a forum I belong to - thegyc.com - and while only a handful of people have responded or even read the post I made their responses, combined with yours, have really helped.

What helped most was actually saying it, even if it was just typing the words onto a screen. I felt sick, but I didn't throw up, and when I posted the thread I felt a lot better. No one replied for several hours and I considered deleting the post a few times, but eventually someone replied. Of course, I had a panic attack the moment I saw that someone had responded, because it meant they'd read what happened and someone else knew, but once I calmed down I read what they had to say and it really helped. I haven't replied yet, but I'm going to soon.

I knew after it happened that I needed to tell someone, but I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I couldn't even acknowledge that the parts I was willing to share amounted to sexual assault. Now I can at least type it on a screen.

I was raped.

I feel sick just saying it, but less sick than I did a few days when I even thought about saying it. It was disgusting and humiliating and if I could erase it from my mind I would, even if it meant those boys would get away with it, but it's always there and as much as it scares me I think it's always going to be there.

So after posting my blog entry and posting on that site and reading the comments people left me, I decided to contact Dylan. I couldn't bring myself to speak to him on the phone, so I contacted him via MSN. At first I felt sick, but after a couple of minutes of talking to him I started to feel better and I remembered just how much I loved him. He switched on his webcam and the moment I saw his face I knew how much I needed him here, so I asked him to come stay with me. He's coming on Wednesday and staying for a week, so when he gets here I'll tell him what happened. If I can't find the words I'll show him my blog or the post I made. I'd prefer to tell him, but the important thing is that he knows.

I think the problem I've been having over the past few days is that I've been thinking about when we had sex and associating it with what happened. I've been thinking about Dylan my boyfriend and not Dylan my best friend, the person who has always been there for me. I love him and I never want to lose him, but I think right now I need him to be my best friend for a while and just hold me and tell me that everything's going to be ok. Two days ago I couldn't stand the thought of seeing him. Now I can't wait for him to be here.

I've flushed the drugs. I sort of regret it right now, but I know it was the right decision. They made things easier but it was artificial. They won't change anything. All they do is numb the pain for a little while. I rationalised taking them by comparing them to taking an aspirin when you've got a headache, but as someone told me in an email yesterday this is the kind of pain that doesn't disappear if you take a pill. I know they're right, but right now I'd prefer an easier option.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the support I've had from strangers over the past couple of days has really helped, and if people I don't know can make if feel this much better then the support of the people who love me has to help more, right? I don't think anyone can make the pain go away, but a hug will make all the difference.

Just a final note to HG, the delightful person who left a comment in my last blog entry. I considered deleting your comment, but I've decided to leave it where it is. It's a reminder that there are always going to be hateful scumbags out there and unless I confront what happened I'll never have the strength to deal with them and run the risk of becoming one of them. It's something I'll look at whenever I'm feeling down and if I ever do think about killing myself, because knowing that it would bring some satisfaction to someone like you will be reason enough for me to find a way to keep going. If I can't find the strength to get through this for me or the people I love, I'll find the strength to get through this just to spite people like you.