Back!

I know it's been a while since my last blog entry, but I'm back and hopefully I'll update this blog a little more often.

First of all, the reason for my absence. During the second week of March we got a phone call from my grandfather in Japan saying his wife, my mother's mother, was dying. She'd had cancer for a while but wanted to keep it from the family so as not to worry us all, but as the doctor told her she had only a few weeks left she decided she wanted to give the family a chance to say goodbye.

Before anyone posts any commiserating replies, until March I'd met my grandmother only a couple of times and both times were back when I was too young to really remember. I don't feel sad at all, because we all flew over to Japan and I got to spend three and a half weeks getting to know her before she passed. Yes, it's sad she died, but she was eighty-eight, she had six children (three adopted, one fostered), eleven grandchildren, three great-grandchildren, a long and happy career as a teacher and, most important of all, she died without any regrets.

She had a devilish sense of humour and in spite of the pain she was in at the end she had a smile on her face whenever I saw her. It was an honour to get the chance to meet her before she died, and to know her a little bit, and in accordance with her wishes the family is celebrating her life rather than mourning her death.

While I had Internet access in Japan, I spent much of the time getting to know my grandmother and other members of my family, some of whom I've never met before. I've discovered that my extended family is absolutely wonderful. I have two cousins who are gay (well, one cousin is bisexual but she has only ever had relationships with other girls, and one cousin...actually, the son of my cousin, who has just come out to his parents at the tender age of twelve) and the whole family is accepting...with the exception of my grandfather who refused to even acknowledge his gay grandchildren. Can't please everyone.

Anyway, we got back to the UK in April and I came back with a resolve to fix some of the problems in my life. First thing I did was cut all ties with a forum I've mentioned in my blog before. There are some great people on there and I've made a couple of good friends, but the atmosphere on there is toxic and I felt better the moment I was done with the place. I changed my email address and then typed a random stream of letters into a Word document and pasted it in as my new password, so even if I wanted to go back there I could only do so by creating a new account, and that's far more hassle than it's worth.

The next thing I did was consider my education prospects. As I mentioned before, I was forced to drop out of college earlier this year because my teachers didn't think I had caught up enough to sit the exams, and I've decided once and for all I'm not going back there. I'm leaving some fantastic friends behind, but also some bad memories. I can stay in touch with friends without inflicting those memories on myself.

Dylan has decided to stay on at college for another year, get a couple more AS Levels under his belt, and so I'm moving down to live with him and his family in August. I'll be going to college with him and then we'll head off to University together a year later than planned. I know it would be better for him to go when he had planned, which would be a year before me, but I've tried talking him out of it and he's determined he's going to wait for me, and honestly I can't say I'm sorry about that. We've spent more than enough time apart and it's not like he's going to be sitting around doing nothing for a year.

Finally, I'm back in counselling and it really seems to be helping. I'm feeling happier than I have in a long time and though I feel like I could now do without the counselling I'm going to keep going until I move down south, and then maybe find a new therapist. To put it in my brother's delightful words, seeing a therapist is like carrying a condom around in your wallet - you may not always need it, but it's better to have it there in case you do. He's such a charmer, I wonder why he's still single.

So, I'm back and after spending some time getting my life together I'm blogging again. Sorry if my absence worried anyone - I just needed the time to get back on track.

Oh, and while I was away a poem I wrote was published in an anthology. I wrote it as a sort of meditative mantra last year, but it seemed to fit the theme of the anthology so I submitted it and they accepted it. It seems to have had some fairly positive reviews, even if one of the reviewers thought I might have been another author on there writing under a pen name. I suppose I should be offended, but the author he thought I was is one of my favourites so for him to even suggest my work might be on par with that author's is flattering. Anyway, take a look if you're interested, and if not take a look anyway - the design they came up with for this anthology is breathtaking! The poem's here: http://anthologies.authorshaunt.com/2011/ocean/atpeace.php

Head Spinning

After what happened in July I started seeing a counsellor to try and deal with the experience. Then I found out I was sick and dealing with that became my biggest priority. I didn't really have time to think about anything else, or perhaps I pushed it out of my mind. When I was told I was in remission, and after spending all that time in hospital afterwards, I came home and felt so happy to be alive I just wanted to get on with my life.

For three weeks I managed it, and then yesterday I saw a post on a forum I visit about a guy who was raped at a party after someone slipped something into his drink. It didn't really affect me. I felt sympathy for him, of course, but I didn't relate his experience to my own until I posted in a related thread and started talking about it. I know it's stupid seven months on to be whining about this again, but talking about it got me thinking about it and now it's all I can think about.

I just want to be happy, to forget about the past year and move on, but just when I thought I was in a position to do that I remind myself and it hurts just as much as it did the day it happened. I've told my Mum I want to start seeing the counsellor again and I'm determined to do everything I can to keep my mind off it until I can, but I feel like there's something bubbling up inside me and it scares the shit out of me.

Anyway, just wanted to vent. It's a fairly pathetic vent as vents go, but all I've got energy for at the moment.

News...At Last

Hi guys,

Sorry for worrying everyone - especially you, Jay. I've seen the messages you posted and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to post.

December and January were especially cold here, so I stayed tucked up in bed most of the time and, in the middle of January, went back to the hospital for new regarding my treatment. The news was good. In fact, it was brilliant. I'm in remission. :D

With any type of cancer there is a chance of relapse, so the doctors say it will be five years before I can completely relax, but it's looking good so far.

And now for the bad news. I was feeling a little sick after I returned from the hospital and three days later I was back. One of the nastier parts of the treatment is that it basically destroyed my immune system, and it turned out I managed to catch a bug that developed into full blown pneumonia. I think it's probably one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I felt like I was drowning and for a while it didn't look good, but I beat it and four weeks on I'm home again and I've been told I can go back to school in March.

More bad news there, unfortunately. Because I've missed so much there's a good chance I'm going to have to repeat this year. I've been given a chance to catch up and hopefully I'll be able to do it, but if I can't I'll have to start again. I can live with that. It's a small price to pay for being alive, just a little irritating if it happens.

In other news - Dylan is great and hopefully he'll be coming to stay this Easter and again over the summer. He wasn't able to be with me while I was in hospital, not the whole time, but when things turned bad he was there and didn't leave my side. I didn't really get to talk to him because he went home again when I started getting better, but we had a long talk last night - which is why I'm only posting now. We were up talking until he had to leave for school, poor guy, and I got to sleep all morning and for most of the afternoon.

I also had a story published online when I was in hospital! The story was published as part of an anthology at a site called The Authors Haunt. It's only 500 words long, but then that was the word limit for the anthology. I published the story under the name Nakamura Ryosuke. Nakamura is my mother's family name, and Ryosuke is the name my grandmother insists on calling me even though my name is actually Ryo because she thinks it sounds more distinguished. I originally came up with the name when I started writing (terrible, terrible stories) because I didn't want to use my real name as I wasn't out at the time, and submitted it under that name without really thinking about it. Dylan suggested I use my real name as there's no need for a pen name now, but I didn't get a chance to change it before I was taken into hospital, so Nakamura Ryosuke it is.

For anyone interested, you can read the story here - http://anthologies.authorshaunt.com/2011/cold/window.php. I have to say, I love the design the site's owner, Rob, came up with for the anthology, and so far the reviews I've received on the site have been pretty positive. The story is a bit dark and depressing, but I'm proud to see my name up there with some other fantastic authors.

And finally, my hair has started to grow back. It's a little patchy in places, but the doctors say it will thicken up and in about six months I should have my old hair back. In the meantime I'm keeping it hidden under a hat. I HATE short hair, but I guess it's better than no hair.

That's all for now. I'll post again in a few days once I've had a chance to relax an get used to being back home.