Thanks Bro!

Sometimes I could beat the crap out of my brother.

Today he's been really supportive, but tonight he proved once again what a jerk he can be. So this freak posts on a forum I go to saying he wants someone to come onto MSN and get naked on cam for him. Obviously a paedo or pervert. I make the mistake of telling my brother about it before going for my shower, so what does he do? He goes and adds the freak to my f***ing MSN!

As if I haven't been through enough sh*t today, he thinks it'll be funny to mess with a paedo/perve while I'm in the shower.

Needless to say, the freak is blocked and deleted, and my computer is now password protected so if I'm not at it my brother can't mess with it.

Feeling Better

So, thanks to some good advice I got on a forum I've joined, I told my brother about what happened to me and this morning he and my Mum took me to the police station to make a formal complaint. I don't know what the police are going to do, but telling them made me feel a bit better.

Unfortunately, I then came home to find that on that same forum, in the thread I'd posted explaining what had happened, some vile scumbag posted revolting messages saying how it was my fault, calling me names and generally provoking anyone who replied to him. He even started a second thread to pursue the matter.

I really pity people whose only way of getting attention is to spew bile and hatred. I have to wonder how empty his life must be for him to behave that way.

To make matters worse, an a**hole moderator first deleted my thread rather than removing the offending posts, then deleted the second thread when I replied to it ranting about "flame wars". So, it's perfectly fine for that piece of human garbage to tell me that I was to blame for what happened, and it's perfectly fine for him to mock me and post all sorts of vile filth, but when I post a single reply expressing my opinion suddenly it's a flame war?

Fuck the both of them. I'll keep posting on that forum, but at least now I know who to stay away from. I kind of expected it from a member, but for a moderator to behave that way is completely disgusting. Still, I'll keep my opinions to my blog and show him respect on the forum. I may not like how he behaved and I may have a particularly low opinion of him, but he's a moderator for a reason, right? Hopefully because he is generally capable of acting fairly and reasonably.

He didn't warn me and apparently did warn the other guy, so I guess I can't complain. I'm just a little frustrated - that scumbag was allowed to post several dozen abusive and offensive messages, but action is only taken when I post one, and in that message I said I wouldn't be posting in that topic again.

Never mind. I'm angry about a lot of things at the moment, so I should just calm down and accept that he made the decision to remove the posts for a reason. Maybe I would have done the same in his position. Actually, no. I wouldn't. I would have removed that second thread right away and would have just deleted the offending posts from mine, but it's not my forum so I just have to live with the decisions the moderators make, no matter how much I disagree.

Thank f*** I have my blog to vent in.

Bye Dylan

So, a couple of hours ago I walked Dylan to the train station and said goodbye to him, though hopefully not for too long. He came up here because I was sad after what happened with those idiots a couple of days ago, but as it wasn't a planned visit and he had to go back to work he couldn't stay for as long as either of us wanted. The good news is that he's going to talk to his parents about coming for a longer visit in a week or so. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm lucky I go to a private school. Most of the schools in Scotland have summer breaks at a slightly different time so if I was at any of them I'd be going back to school in a week or so. Instead I have over a month of holiday left and we're going to try and spend as much of it together as possible.

I hope he can come back, because after last night I want him here all the time. I'm not going into any details in a public blog, but let's just say I'm a little less virginal than I was yesterday. It wasn't planned, but it felt right so we just went with it, and afterwards he held me and we fell asleep. It felt a little weird this morning, emotionally I mean. Physically too - the back door was a little achy - but mostly emotionally.

We've been a couple for over a year now, but we've hardly seen each other during that time, and the last time we did it was awkward. I don't know why it was so easy this time, but in just over a day we made up for all the kisses and cuddles we haven't had over the past year...and then some!

Walking back home without him was sad, and it wasn't made any easier by the fact that I saw Derek and Matt on my way home. They were with their girlfriends so they didn't come near me, but Derek sort of smirked at me and Matt made an obscene gesture that I won't even attempt to describe. I ignored them and as soon as they were out of sight jogged the rest of the way home, but I felt like crap by the time I got there.

My brother was waiting for me when I got home. Normally he's such an a**hole, and when I saw him I thought my day was about to get a thousand times worse, but instead of giving me crap like he normally does he pulled me into this big hug. He can be a real jerk at times, but when he wants to be nice he's the best brother in the world.

He took me upstairs and we talked all about Dylan. I told him that we'd had sex and he didn't freak out. He just asked if we were careful, which we were, and if I was glad it happened, which I am. Funny thing is, even though he's a year older than me he let slip that I've lost my virginity before him!

I was really surprised about that. I mean, my brother isn't the best looking guy. He's not ugly, but he's kind of weird looking. He's really athletic and confident though and always has girls around him at parties and at school. I know he's done stuff with girls because last year I was at a party with him and he disappeared upstairs. About an hour after he disappeared, his best mate pulled me and a couple of others upstairs and we found my brother in a bedroom, in his boxers, with three girls on the bed with him. The girls were all fully clothed but I thought he might have had sex with them.

Turns out they were just messing around. He's done some things with girls, but he told me he's waiting for the right girl before he has sex. It was really strange hearing that from him because he projects this image like he's some kind of stud, but really he's quite sensitive. Not that I'd say that to him - he'd beat the crap out of me if he knew I was even suggesting it.

I didn't tell him about what happened with Derek, Matt and Kevin. He'd only get pissed and either yell at me for not telling him sooner or go beat them up. I'd rather just put it behind me and move on. I don't think they'll really try anything like that again. They were just looking to have some fun at my expense and now they have they'll milk it, remind me of it, but stay the hell away from me. I hope.

Anyway, I have to go clean my room. Well, I don't have to, but I need something to keep me busy until Dylan gets home. He's going to call me as soon as he's talked to his parents, so hopefully by tonight I'll know if he's going to be coming back soon and for how long. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Monday, staying for four weeks, but I think that might be a little too much to hope for.

Better Day

After all the crap yesterday I decided to stay in bed today, maybe until the weekend, but I got a little surprise this morning.

I was up until nearly 9am as I really couldn't sleep, but decided I should at least try closing my eyes so got into bed just before nine. I was just dozing off when my brother came pounding on my door. Needless to say, I was annoyed, but when I opened the door he wasn't the only person standing outside my room.

Dylan was there!

OK, for most people reading this that will mean absolutely nothing. My parents moved to Scotland seven years ago and a few days after moving here I met this really sweet boy playing beside the stream that runs behind my house. His name was Dylan and when we found out we would be going to the same school, and in the same class, we decided to be friends.

I wasn't aware of my sexuality back then, but I think I had a crush on him anyway. I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't. He's gorgeous, kind, funny, always has a smile on his face and if you fall over he'll always be the first person to offer to help you up again.

We became best friends, all was fantastic, and then I discovered my sexuality when I was twelve, leading to three agonising years where I was closer to Dylan than anyone else on Earth and still not as close as I wanted to be. It would have been four agonising years, but last year his parents decided to move down South.

Long story short, two days before they were due to move, I took Dylan to the stream where we'd met and told him I was gay and that I had a huge crush on him. I sat there waiting for him to reject me. I knew he wouldn't hit me or yell at me, but I half-expected him to get up and walk away. He didn't, though. Instead he leaned over and kissed me.

That was last summer. This summer marks the anniversary of his departure and one year of us sort of being together. I say sort of, because while my parents know I'm gay and his parents know he's gay and both parents are as supportive as they need to be, we've barely seen each other since he left. I went to stay with him for a couple of days over Easter, but it was weird.

On the phone and in emails we're really affectionate, but when I was staying at his place over Easter we barely touched each other and didn't even give each other a kiss goodbye. Neither of us could really explain why, because our feelings haven't changed, but it just felt uncomfortable every time we got too close.

Last night I told him I wasn't in the mood to talk, but I felt guilty so at 5am I emailed him a link to my new blog. At 6am he had a bag packed and had managed to drag his Dad out of bed to drive him to the train station. And at a little after 10am, after a three hour train journey and a twenty minute taxi ride, Dylan turned up here.

After I got over the initial shock I invited him into my room and my brother buggered off out with his mates. Dylan was really, really sweet. I didn't even get a chance to ask him why he'd come. He just undressed me, took his own clothes off (that'll be the first time we've seen each other naked as a couple, and I was NOT disappointed) and then helped me into bed.

Yes, we were naked. Yes, we were alone in the house. Yes, we were in bed together. No, we didn't have sex. Might have been nice, but he just put his arms around me and held me until I fell asleep, and when I woke up six hours later his arms were still around me.

He's in bed right now catching up on some sleep, but when he wakes up I'm going to join him again and hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him. Things may have been awkward the last time we were together, and we may have a long distance thing going, but how many boyfriends would drop everything and come running when the person they loved was hurting?

I'm going to sit and watch him for a bit. The only time he's more beautiful than when he's sleeping is when he's awake.

Bad Day

I've been thinking of setting up a blog for a while now, get myself out there, maybe make a few friends online, and I was really hoping that the day I set up my blog would be a good one, but today wasn't.

So why am I setting up my blog today? Really because I'm so angry I just needed to vent so maybe I could get some sleep.

It's the school holidays for me. Exams are over, the weather's reasonably good, supposedly a time to relax and have a little fun. Best of all, it's a few blissful weeks away from the idiots at school who made my life hell this past year for no good reason other than I decided to come out. That's right, it was my choice. Nobody forced me to do it. I decided I was sick of pretending to be something I wasn't so I told a few close friends, made sure they understood it was no secret and within a couple of days most of the kids at school knew about it.

I was a little afraid, but most of them were great. I didn't lose any friends and even made a couple more. Unfortunately, I also "offended" a couple of guys in my class. Not sure how, but they sure as hell objected to being in the presence of a gay guy and made it clear every chance they got.

They didn't do anything really - just called me a few names, pushed me about a little, but at school they mostly just gave me dirty looks. It was annoying, but no big deal.

Well, it seems that now school is over they don't feel they have to behave themselves anymore. I had planned to spend today doing some painting, maybe playing a few computer games, listening to some music, just generally relaxing, but Mum left my brother a shopping list and my brother "delegated" the task of going to the shops to me. And when I say "delegated", read dragged me to the front door and told me to got do the shopping.

I didn't really mind. It was a nice day. Not too hot, not too cold, not raining. It's a nice walk to the supermarket anyway. It's on the edge of town and we're in a village about a mile away, so to get there I can either walk along the side of the road, which can be a bit dangerous, or take a really pretty walk along a footpath through the woods. So I went through the woods. Hey, if you're going to be forced to go out by your idiot brother, may as well take the path that's quiet and attractive, right?

Wrong.

The three guys who gave me the most crap last year - Derek, Matt and Kevin - were messing around in the woods. God knows what the idiots were doing, but I saw them and figured they'd just ignore me.

Wrong again.

First they thought it would be funny to make me stand against a tree while they had a little competition to see who could throw a stone closest to me without hitting me. Of course, they didn't really try to miss. Then they decided they wanted to see if they'd left any bruises - and of course that meant stripping me down to my boxers. Then they decided that because I'm gay I'd enjoy being bent over and dry humped, and when that wasn't funny enough, down came the boxers.

F*** knows what they would have done next if some old guy hadn't come along with his dog, but he shouted and they ran off. Of course, even though the idiot had seen exactly what they were doing, I was the "dirty little pervert" and I was the one he was going to call the police about.

And if that wasn't bad enough, the a**holes ran off with my shirt, so I was left to walk home half naked. Not a cold day, but not warm enough for walking home bare chested.

To cap it all off, I get home and does my brother ask why I'm not wearing my shirt? Why I've got big red welts on my chest? Why I look so upset? No. He yells at me for coming back without the shopping, takes the money Mum left us and buggers off.

So I've spent half the afternoon crying because of what they did and what they might have done and the rest of the afternoon imagining myself shooting them with a nail gun. No, I won't actually do it. I don't believe in violence. It's just a nice thought.

And now I can't sleep because every time I close my eyes I see those idiots and feel like screaming. So I've set up this blog to vent. I've vented. Don't feel much better, but I guess you can't have everything.